instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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