i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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