I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
