You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
