i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
