even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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