I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
