What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
