Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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