Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
