i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
