he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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