I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
