I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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