I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
