theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
