I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
