Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
the liver wants what the liver wants
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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