After last night, I could never be a politician.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Come see our sink grown plant.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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