Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
