I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Drunk is not a location!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
