2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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