Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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