when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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