can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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