We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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