just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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