I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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