My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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