i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
