so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
