White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
high people should be assigned attendants
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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