i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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