I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
