All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
