Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
