Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
