i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
