I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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