woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
