So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
