i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
