Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
