We won't sleep together?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
