I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She told me I should be a condom model.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
