you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
