pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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