3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
