Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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