Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
